Upside down bed rest.



The angle they first put me on really wasn’t so bad. Here I am on the first day.





I thought yes I can do this. That afternoon a doctor from my team came to see me. She found the right button to press (head down feet up) and did not stop until the bed could literally not go any further. I felt myself sliding out of bed. I had no headboard. I wasn’t allowed to sit up. I couldn’t get out of bed. I hardly slept that night as I spent the whole night fighting to stay in the damn thing. I felt like an 80kg-beached whale lying in a 45 degree angled bed slathered in lube. Well my bed angle was inbetween a 30- 45 angle closer to the 45 ends of things. I mean not that they got out a protractor and measured it, but it’s what my visitors have told me (my view was a tad skewed) Needless to say I requested a headboard the next morning.


A nurse took pity on me so the next day they wheeled in… **** Over enthusiastic wheel of fortune voice*** THE NIMBUS 3000!!!!! The nimbus 3000 is a bed that stops you from getting pressure spots on your body by constantly deflating a little bit and then reinflating, it does this 24/7 (such fun) I mean come on who doesn’t like a bed that has a life of its own. LOL. When its not plugged into an electrical socket however it just deflates. So there I would be getting wheeled to a scan- upside down and I’m totally lost in my bed- ITS EATING MEEEEE, you could only see my little hands poking out. oh and the bed alarms when its not plugged in so we were also screeching down the corridors. What amazed me was the poor person wheeling me would have to tell people at the hospital to stop pushing in front of us to get to the lift!! I mean come on! My bed is eating me! Cant you see this is an emergency??



What’s the hardest part about being upside down on bed rest? Trying to poo into a bedpan with no gravity to help you and not being allowed to push for fear you will accidently push one of your babies out. Saying to your roomie hey man I’m so sorry I haven’t gone in like 6 days do you think you could leave the room for say 2 hours?? Trying your damn hardest to get in the ‘zone’ and having a nurse pop her face in every 5 seconds just to remind me to not push, DON’T sit up!!! If I need help wiping my arse just call that bell. Gee thanks lady. Most times I would just give up, it just was not going to happen. Or if by luck it did. I would try to drown out my embarrassment with an entire bottle of air freshener. I would cover my poop in toilet paper and not meet the nurse’s eye, if I hide it and not look at her it’s not real right? Visitors would usually come midway through to just add to the whole ‘what colour is red’ scenario.


As soon as I went on my angle I banned visitors. I couldn’t handle it. Everything was so out of my control. I couldn’t even wash myself, they would roll me over and sponge bath me. “I wash myself with a rag on a stick” I was terrified. I was incredibly vunerable. My brain really couldn’t handle much else. I had one job to do-keep my babies in for as long as possible. That’s all I could concentrate on. I was totally at the mercy of the nurses, I was completely screwed if I got a slack one, or a bitchy one and god forbid a visitor came at the wrong time. It was just easier keeping it at immediate family.


Days took an eternity. While I used to break my day up with my little shuffles to the toilet and my glorious shower chairs.  I now could not ever leave my bed. I couldn’t read, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t colour in, I couldn’t play games on the ipad, I could juuuuuuuuust get the TV on the correct angle to see. I couldn’t even listen to music, and not because I was upside down because my body wouldn’t allow it. It was like if I allowed myself to listen to music, to feel, it would open something very real and scary inside of me and I would start crying and I just wouldn’t stop and it would distress my babies. My mind was the only thing I had left, I had to keep on top of that, and I had to EAT. They had to keep putting on weight. Gluten free Bolognese from Pasta Go Go was my favourite. It was mushy and squishy; it slicked down my throat and didn’t make me feel like throwing up. I would awkwardly roll on my side and stuff my fat face and wash it all down with a big gush of water from my straw. That’s what I could do for my babies eat and stay sane.


Of course not being able to make the trip to the toilet they decided to pop a catheter in. (as they put it) It would drain the wee out of my bladder so I never had to ‘go’. It would be a long term one so it only gets changed every fortnight. Its different to the short term ones you have during an operation. It’s hard. It hurts. The nurse who popped it in seriously looked about fifteen and was ROUGH. It really hurt. It felt like I had a nasty bladder infection on top of it all. I literally cried for about three days straight constantly telling them it didn’t feel right, please, please take it out; I kept getting told this was what it was supposed to feel like. (that I was being a wuss) Here I was upside down, could barely move, could barely eat, having to take fistfuls of medication which were jammed in my throat all day, wearing compression stockings that were so itchy I would beg my partner to hack at my legs with a fork, I couldn’t do this pain as well. I got firm. They would have to take the catheter out and deal with me bed panning it. They were not happy. The nurse who took it out confirmed it had been put in incorrectly, she wasn’t surprised it hurt. YOU DON’T SAY?????? Haha.


Time moved slowly in my little part of the ward and I would ring the bell to please take a wee and half an hour later I might have my blessed pan. Half an hour is a looooooong time for a pregnant woman who needs to pee, let alone one with three babies. Most times they would take so long that I would wet my bed a little-just to add to my mortification. Oh hey can you please change my bed linen? I’ve pissed myself. And while your there how’s about you spoon feed me and wipe my bum? You get the picture. The night staff were the worst. I’m certain when they clock on it is hospital requirement that they dip their shoes in lead- health and safety and all!! One day I was venting to my mother when she gave me the idea of incontinence nappies. Accident? What accident? I sent Daniel a text to please pick me up some nappies before visiting. He was incredibly sceptical but like the champion he is off he skips to the supermarket. Which was going through a major renovation. Nothing was where it should be. He could not find the nappies. He had to squeamishly ask a staff member. Who then decided it was best to blast it over the loudspeaker. Yeah we need an item location on women’s nappies for the fuckface standing right here EVERYONE!!! Lol!! I secretly revelled in his embarrassment, I wasn’t alone! I had pulled someone down the rabbit hole!!


That night I had an accident. It was 10pm. I was mortified at being caught with a nappy on. ABSOFUKINGLOUTELY MORTIFIED. I shimmied it off and leaned up and over the rails of my bed on to grab a plastic bag to bin it with whatever dignity I had left. Success! I laid back down to sleep. Two hours later my waters broke. The nimbus 3000 was suddenly a river.  My mind went very still, white, and quite. I could suddenly see very clearly and within a second I calmly leaned over and pushed the emergency button. My room filled with medical staff. That part of me that I was terrified would open with music very suddenly gushed open. I was screaming hysterically. My waters have broken!! Was I sure it wasn’t just wee? I WAS SURE!! HELPPPPPPP!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!! HELP MY BABIES!!!!!!

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