Finding out.

Sometime in the beginning of 2016 – March or April? Who knows I have major baby brain!!

 

I sat in the doctor’s office when she suddenly picked up the pregnancy test that I had done fifteen minutes earlier and exclaimed “Oh my! I think you’re pregnant!!” I stared at the blank pregnancy test. “Do you see that very faint pink line?” I didn’t. “That is an indication of a very early pregnancy” I stared harder at the blank pregnancy test willing the lines to suddenly appear. They didn’t. “Look you are definitely in the early stages of pregnancy but I think you have appendicitis so you better get yourself to emergency” she jumped up and almost did a little dance to the door to hold it open for me “ This my dear is going to be one interesting pregnancy”

 

At emergency I decided to withhold the doctors test as quite frankly I never saw any faint pink lines and was beginning to wonder about her mental state. But during the routine check me over they decided to do a blood test to rule it out, and came back with the news that yes I was indeed three weeks pregnant. We were overjoyed to say the least. However they needed to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, (A pregnancy that develops in your fallopian tubes and needs to be surgically removed) so booked me in the next day for a blood test to test my pregnancy hormone levels. I went and had my levels done. They re-booked me in two days time. And two days time. And two days time. An obstetrician from the hospital called me after all this testing and told me she had booked me in for a scan even though it was far to early to see anything they just wanted to be safe. I asked wether my hormones were rising, and she cagily replied yes. I went in for my scan and the woman was incredibly grumpy saying there was no way she could see anything this early and she would have to do a vagina scan (huffing and puffing!) One very rough, uncomfortable $250 scan later we were no closer to knowing anything, Blood test the next day, and two days later and finally a  scan booked for around the five week mark, this time at the hospital, this time they will be able to see if its ectopic.

 

So I’m at the hospital nervous as all hell considering my last rough grumpy ultrasound. My partner Daniel wasn’t with me as they were just ruling out wether it was ectopic (or so we thought!). Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd “so because its still such early days we will have to do a vaginal scan are you ok with that?” No bitch I’m not ok with that. It’s weird, you use lube, and there’s a man in the room, it feels like some freaky German sci-fi porn. Ok. “Have you had IVF?” Nope. They start the ultrasound its very quite. You could literally hear a pin drop. Lots of hush hush radiologist talk. More questions about fertility treatment and IVF. Is it ectopic? “Not that we can see” Phew. So I start concentrating on the scan. Will it look like there’s a tiny tadpole inside my tummy? Will I see anything? Anything at all?? I start laughing and mention the scan looks like the scream mask. Weird laughter more hush hush radiologist talk. More questions about IVF and fertility treatment. Shit lady I’m pretty sure I would know if I dropped a couple of thousand dollars on IVF!! By this stage I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something freaky they can see, as there’s too much hush hush for my liking. Sensing my discomfort (from all accounts people!!) She decides to point out the yolk sac. I stop. I stare. “But there’s three of them?” she laughs nervously and starts picking lint off the wall “Am I having three babies???” Expecting the response to be-ha-ha of course not! You wish (wink wink nudge nudge) Those other areas are the placenta and the placenta! Your baby has two placentas! Double nutrition! Instead I get “ We will just wait for the doctor to come in” Enters the DOCTOR!!! The radiologist defensively exclaims, “she asked outright!! She CAN count” lol just how long were you going to keep it from me???? Doctor (too brightly for my liking and emphasising with a clap) “so!!!! (clap) you are having TRIPLETS!!! ” (clap) Now comes the nervous laughter from my end. I look up at three sets of eyes staring at me with excited expectation and realise its not a joke?? I start laughing and crying and the rest of the scan is a blur.

 

I leave the dark room blinking at the light and feeling completely disorientated. I find a weird snack shop with a tiny old lady behind the counter. “Excuse me can you please help me find my way out?” I feel tiny and small. She comes to the other side of the counter and puts her arm around me “oh deary you don’t look so good, what’s the matter” I’m pregnant with triplets. “IVF?” NO!!!  She starts squealing with excitement and calling out she’s pregnant with triplets!!! Triplets!! NATURAL!!!!! Suddenly I’m in a sea of squealing purple rinses “Triplets!!!” “Triplets!! ”TRIPLETS!!!!” I stumble; find the stairs and half run half stumble to the exit gulping the fresh air. I take a moment to stop.

 

FUCK!!! What will Daniel say?

 

PS. When the scan went all blurry they did actually tell me that I had three ovarian cysts rupture when my ovaries released the three eggs and thats why I ended up in emergency with suspected appendicitis-Yay! What fun!!

scanMy freaky scream mask first scan picture!

Now or never.

 

The end of 2015.

 

Ok so here is the compacted version – I had gone to see a specialist to try and do something about my crippling suspected Endometriosis (I’ve never had the operation to confirm it) and instead had pap smear results come back not looking great. So I had been booked in four days later for an emergency cone biopsy (a procedure where they remove a cone shape of your cervix to see exactly what your results are) During that procedure he had also inserted a Mirena, which is a form of contraception that is implanted into the uterus which was supposed to help with the crippling period pain I have been dealing with my entire life.

 

One week later I was back in the Dr’s room as I was the 1% of women whose body HATED the Mirena and my uterus was actually contracting to remove the foreign object. UGH it was horrible. That’s when the Dr told us that the results from my cone biopsy were a lot worse than we thought. They had not only found these cells named CIN but they had also found these cells called AIS that are pre -cancerous, extremely volatile and the only solution was to have a hysterectomy to prevent me from getting cervical cancer. HOLD UP. A hysterectomy is a procedure where they remove your entire uterus and cervix. That means no babies. Luckily our Doctor thought it was cruel to do such a procedure when I had no children. So we had six months to fall pregnant or we would need to come back and see him for some help. Yes we were on a clock. The freedom to start trying in our own time had gone and we realised the reality of now or never.

 

At the time we were currently in the process of trying to fulfil some life long dreams (or I was) of saving for America where I was going to invest in further film studies at a drama school, as well as aiming for a move to Melbourne on the return. But when I looked at my life without children I felt devastated, like my life would be incomplete. I had met the love of my life; we were in a loving, stable relationship. I wanted kids with him. He was the right person to have children with. We had already promised each other that this was forever, for us there was no other choice.

 

So we started trying to fall pregnant. But because of our time frame I was constantly living in this high stress, anxious state, FREAKING out that we would miss the boat. And of course constantly being told that stress will prevent me falling pregnant (grrrrrr) I bought ovulation kits (they tell you when you are most fertile) and mountains of pregnancy kits and I felt like I was forever peeing on sticks, and never getting it right. After two months I said ENOUGH lets just give it a break, not ‘try’ if you like.

 

Three weeks later we found out I was pregnant.

A brief introduction to my blog.

A lot of Mums have asked me or told me I should start this blog. I’ve heard so many unique, beautiful but also horrific birthing stories while in hospital mine just feels normal. As I sit and write this brief introduction my sons are currently still in NICU its day 96 for them, and day 125 for me. Today they have their weekly eye test and today the prospect of more eye surgery for one of my boys looms over me. He really got knocked around last time.

And I am tired. Deeply to the bone tired. My nerves are completely shot. I’ve just spent the last 96 days with one horror after another thrown at my boys, brain bleeds, chronic lung disease, PDA’S (holes in their hearts) hernias, eye surgery, failed kidneys. You get the drift the list goes on and on and on. In a nutshell I’ve just spent the last 96 days screaming at the universe to let me boys live. I’m that kind of tired, and I know that there are parents out there who are far more tired, who’s children are on day 187 or more. This blog is for you. It’s for your tiny heroes. I hope you find comfort, even if it’s just to know that you are not alone. This blog is also for anyone who is just interested, for those people who followed my journey. I hope this raises some small awareness.

Please don’t read my blog if you are currently expecting a baby, I don’t want to freak you out. My story is NOT normal. May you enjoy a wonderful, normal stress free pregnancy and birth a chubby, healthy, full term baby. I truly wish this for you.

A word of warning I will lay it allllllllll out it could get quite confronting and if that’s the case, this might not be the blog for you

 

Peace

Lucy xx